Voices
by SilverMidnight52
Summary: Castiel has been watching Sam for a long time. Now that Castiel is here in person can he save Sam from himself? Sam/Castiel loving! Sucide theme.
1. Chapter 1

I own nothing. Just an idea I had a long time ago. Finally decided to write it out. Hope you like. Will be details of self-harm and Sam/Cas loving! Enjoy!

* * *

"I'll be back Sam," Dean said grabbing his coat.

"Where are you going?" I asked watching him leave.

"Going to get some food," he said rolling his eyes, "Don't worry. I won't forget your salad."

"Funny Jerk," I said glaring at him.

"Bitch," he said leaving.

Once I heard the Impala leave I reached into my duffle bag and pulled out a knife. I rolled up my sleeve and looked at the other cuts lingering on my lower arm. I hated myself every time I did this, but I couldn't stop. I had already tried.

It had been years that I had been doing this. I've almost been caught a few times, but somehow I always convinced Dean and Dad that nothing was going on, that I was perfectly fine.

Now I couldn't stop myself. I waited for a moment alone just so I could feel this. This moment of feeling pain and relief and happiness. The longest I had gone without this knife was three months.

Three months of doing nothing to myself. I couldn't though. I couldn't do it with that voice in my head. As weird as it sounded when I was around thirteen this whole thing was the worst.

I could barely go five minutes without doing something to hurt myself. One day a voice came in my head. He said that his name was Cas. For three months he would talk to me.

Those three months were the best and I didn't hurt myself once. I was so happy. All happiness comes to an end though. There was nothing special about that day in anyway.

I woke up and said good morning to Cas like I usually did, but I never got a reply back. I spent hours sitting there trying to get Cas to respond to me. School came and pass and there was still no answer.

Dad came in and asked why I didn't go to school. I couldn't say anything. I was terrified at that point. The only thing I was concerned about was talking to Cas and he had left me.

Soon Dean was sitting next to me doing everything he could to get me to talk. I couldn't though. I couldn't make my mouth work that day. Dean and Dad left me alone after about two hours.

When I was alone I ripped through my bedroom until I found a knife. I cut myself worse then I ever had thinking that maybe Cas would come back, but he never did. Not once since have I been able to bring him back.

Looking back down at my arm I saw ten new cuts. Some deeper then others, but I was just glad I could cover them up without Dean being suspicious. I couldn't let him find out.

I heard the Impala pull up and ran to the bathroom with the knife. Dean came in the room banging around and talking with someone. He had brought someone with him home. He hadn't done that since he came back from Hell.

"Sam," Dean yelled banging on the door, "Hurry up. I have someone for you to meet."

"Be out in a second," I said trying to slow my breathing.

This was the closest I've come to being caught in awhile. Now I had to go out there and pretend everything was alright. Pretend that Dean had never made that deal so I could just be dead.

After wiping down all the blood and hiding the cuts I walked into the main room and looked at Dean. Dean was sitting on the bed staring up at a man dressed in a business suit and a trench coat.

As Dean introduced us I couldn't help but think that I had met this man before. That was impossible though. Castiel was an Angel. I was lucky that I was meeting him through Dean.

While Dean talked I couldn't help but notice that Castiel was staring at me. His eyes held so much sadness and love. That look made me want to run in the opposite direction.

I continued to stare at Castiel until he left. There was something familiar about those eyes. About that voice. They were so familiar, yet so different. That was so impossible though.

"Sam," Dean said throwing a pillow at me.

"What?" I asked confused.

"I've been calling you for like five minutes Dude," he said slowly, "Where were you?"

"Thinking about the hunt," I lied quickly, "I still don't know what we're after."

"We'll figure it out in the morning," he said calmly, "Get to sleep."

Nodding my head I climbed into bed and laid there. I waited until I knew that Dean was asleep before I got out and walked outside. I sat down on the ground in front of the Impala and sighed.

I was coming to the end of my rope. I didn't know how much longer I could keep this charade up. It was getting harder hiding everything from Dean and I didn't want to hurt him when he found out.

Rubbing my hands across my eyes hoping to push the tears away I got up and stared up at the sky. The stars were being covered by thick black storm clouds. It looked like it was about to rain at any moment.

_Sam. What are you doing out here?_

"Nothing," I said turning expecting to see Dean.

When I was fully turned I saw that it wasn't Dean. In fact, no one was standing there at all. I started to shake my head thinking I was going crazy. I was hearing voices again.

_Shh. You're not crazy._

"Then where are you?" I asked confused.

_I can't show you yet. Don't you remember me?_

"Cas," I said gasping.

_Hello._

"You left me," I said getting angry, "Why the hell are you here now?"

_I had to leave. I didn't want to leave, but I had to. You must believe me._

"I don't have to believe you," I said shutting my eyes, "Get the hell out of my head. You'll just leave me again. Just leave now."

_I'll be back Sam._

"Don't," I said knowing it was too late.

For all the time I knew Cas he wouldn't leave me when I asked him too. Now he was saying that he hadn't wanted to hurt and leave me. I wasn't sure what I was going to do now.

I wanted to have Cas here, but I didn't at the same time. Having Cas around always made me feel calm, like I truly belonged. Although now I was just scared of what would happen.

Getting up I walked back inside and laid on the bed again. I needed some sleep. At least an hour or two. That's about all the sleep I had been getting for years now. I had been popping sleeping pills for so long that they barely worked now.

I let my eyes slip shut and I tried to let sleep consume me. It was hard to have my brain stop thinking. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I could never relax completely knowing what could happen.

Every time I closed my eyes I could see my own death. Over and over I died at my own hand. Okay, well sometimes I had someone else kill me I just never stopped them when they came close.

Once I was finally able to fall asleep my dreams were plagued with the same things as normal. Death and destruction seemed to have my whole life in its grips and wouldn't let go.

There were even times when I questioned if I wanted it gone at all. It was weird, but this was my life. I was so used to having these feelings and thoughts that I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't have them.

I didn't know how much would change when I got rid of these stupid thoughts. Losing everything that I had worked so hard to keep and preserve was the last thing that I ever wanted to do.

"Come on Dude," Dean said throwing a pillow at me, "Castiel wants us to meet up with him after we eat."

"Yeah," I said blinking awake.

"Did you fall asleep in that?" he asked staring at me.

"Yeah," I said shaking my head, "Felt lazy last night. Just wanted some sleep."

"Okay," he said staring at me, "Go change and we'll get some food."

"Sure," I said grabbing my bag and going into the bathroom.

Closing the door I tried not to punch the door. Dean knew something was wrong with me. He couldn't find out anything about this. He'd hate me when he saw how fucked up I was.

_Are you sure about that?_

"Cas," I said gasping, "You're still here."

_Of course I am. I said I would stay._

"You left once already," I said bitterly, "Why would I believe anything you say?"

_Sam, I didn't want to leave you. I had to._

"Yeah," I said rolling my eyes, "Someone told you to leave me when I needed you and you knew it."

_There are some things I can't tell you yet Sam. Just believe me when I say that I never wanted to leave you like that. And yes, someone did tell me that I had to leave you. That I had to let things get this bad. It was very important. Now hurry. Dean needs you._


	2. Chapter 2

I own nothing. Enjoy! Major Sam angst!

* * *

"You're not eating Sam," Dean said swallowing his beer.

"I know," I said yawning, "Sorry. Didn't get much sleep."

Dean had been staring at me since I got out of the bathroom this morning. He knew something was going on. I was going to have to be more careful then I ever was before.

"Nightmares?" he asked slowly.

"No," I said shaking my head, "I just couldn't sleep."

"Oh," he said eyeing me.

"Come on Dude," I said standing up, "Are you done?"

"Yeah," he said following me, "Now let's go get Cas."

"What?" I said freezing.

Dean knew about Cas. How could he know about Cas? I never told a single person. I knew that they would think I was crazy and I didn't want to be taken from my family.

"You know Castiel," he said staring at me confused, "Are you alright Dude?"

"Fine," I said sighing, "Just misheard you. Let's go."

"Dude," he said opening the drivers door.

"Drop it Dean," I said firmly.

I slammed the passenger door behind me and rested my head on the window. My head was starting to pound dangerously. I wanted to grab the pills that I kept hidden in my bag.

The pills had taken me awhile to get. I had to convince Dean to go out while I went to the doctor and got the prescription from him. He was convinced I should go see a shrink, but I was lucky to just get him to give me the prescription.

I turned around slightly and grabbed my bag. My head was pounding too much. I needed to take those pills right now. It felt like my head was going to explode. And I had already forgotten to take them this morning.

_Don't Sam._

"Shut up," I said out loud.

"What?" Dean said confused.

_You're talking out loud Sam. Just think the words. Everything will be fine._

"Stupid fly," I said calmly, "Keeps buzzing in my ear."

"Okay," he said slowly.

**See what you cause Cas. Everything would be fine if you didn't talk to me.**

_Taking a bunch of pills is not fine Sam._

**Like you know what fine is.**

_Sam, listen to me and listen closely. I'm not leaving you. You're stuck with me. And you don't need to take those pills._

**My head is killing me, Cas. I need to take these pills.**

_Just like you need to cut._

**You don't get it!**

_I'm feeling exactly what you're feeling right now Sam. I feel that you want to die._

**Then why are you trying to stop me?**

_Because I know that you need to live. That everything will be okay._

I shut my eyes and tried to focus on what was going on in my head. Cas was the only person to ever say something like that to me. I guess that was partially because no one knew what I do.

"Sam," Dean said hitting my arm, "Dude, we're here."

"Sorry," I said getting out of the car, "I spaced."

"Yeah," he said softly.

Walking away from Dean as quickly as I could, knowing he was about to start asking questions, I opened the door to the house and got in. Castiel was standing in the middle of the room staring at me.

"Sam," Castiel said calmly.

I stared at him a second longer before moving so Dean could walk in. Dean started talking to Castiel and I hoped that distracted Castiel, but his eyes never left mine. He knew something.

My breathing started to pick up as I continued to think. Castiel knew about what I was doing to myself. How could he not? He was going to tell Dean. He wants me away from Dean forever.

Dean was good. No chance that he was bad, not like me. Castiel knew that I would hurt Dean if I stayed around and he couldn't let that happen. Dean had a real purpose in this life, unlike me.

"Dean," I said when I could barely breathe, "I think I figured out what we're hunting."

"Okay," Dean said nodding.

"I'm going to the library to make sure," I said leaving before he could say anything.

Once I was outside I started to run. I had to get out of here before I screamed. Castiel wanted me out of the picture. I could do that. I could make sure that I was out of the picture forever.

I ran to the motel. Luckily it was such a small city that it wasn't that far away. Throwing the door open I grabbed the first knife that I laid my eyes on and took my shirt off.

The first few cuts weren't deep. I needed to get as much blood out of my system in the shortest time. The more cuts the better the chances. The cuts were getting deeper and more erratic though.

_Sam!_

"Cas," I said my head feeling heavy.

"What have you done?" someone said kneeling in front of me.

"Cas," I repeated trying to look at him.

"Shh," he said calmly, "Give me your arm."

I tried to fight him off, but I felt too weak already. I must have hit a vein when I was cutting, I had lost a lot of blood. The whole room was spinning by now and I wanted to join it spinning into nothingness.

Looking down at my arm I saw a hand that I had only seen twice before. My eyes widened as they followed the hand up to its own. Castiel was in front of me with a frown on his face.

I was wrong. Castiel didn't want me out of the picture. Castiel was Cas. All he ever wanted to do was save me. And now I let him down. I had lost too much blood for him to do anything.

"Sam," Cas said softly, "Breathe through it."

I was going to ask what he meant when I felt like my arm was on fire. My eyes widened at the pain and I bit my lip. Watching my arm I saw the cuts come together until they were just scars.

"Don't do that again Sam," Cas said running his hand over the scars, "I might not be able to get here soon enough next time."

"Then don't come," I said pulling away, "Don't save me."

"I want to save you," he said sighing.

"Who's telling you to save me?" I said glaring at him, "Someone up there."

"No," he said shaking his head, "They don't care about you Sam. They wanted me to give up on you a long time ago. I couldn't. I can't watch as you do this to yourself. I've already saved you before."

"What?" I asked confused, "When?"

"You were sixteen," he said crossing his arms, "You had swallowed all those pills."

"Because Dean ditched me again," I said surprised, "You were watching me?"

"Of course," he said nodding, "I've been watching you for years Sam. I couldn't talk to you though. I tried to leave you hints to show I was still here. You saw them. You just didn't put them together."

Thinking back I tried to think of the hints. At first I couldn't think of anything then I remembered the book. It was so simple I didn't think much of it, but now I realized how big it was.

I had tried to convince my dad to buy me a book on the astrology. Dad hated it though. He thought it was completely stupid and refused to buy it for me. I went to bed that night and when I woke up I found the book in my backpack.

As I thought more I found so many other times that things like that had happened. Cas was right. I didn't put them together as they were happening and I hadn't thought about them in years.

"Cas," I said sadly.

"Shh," Cas said slowly, "It's alright. We'll figure everything out."

Staring at Cas I tried not to think of all the times I wished that I could meet him in real life. See that he wasn't just a voice. Now I was looking at him and I had never felt so drawn to another person before.

I wanted Cas. I wanted him in every sense of the words. I couldn't have him though. He was so good and pure. I couldn't ruin something like that. It would be the worst thing I've ever done.

"Sam," Cas said stepping towards me, "I don't understand."

"Understand what?" I asked confused.

"Because of how long I was in your head I can feel what you feel," he said moving closer again, "I don't understand what you're feeling."

"Nothing," I said my eyes wide.

"Sam," he tried again.

"Please Cas," I said desperately, "Please drop it. For now at least."


	3. Chapter 3

I own nothing. Oh no! Dean finds out! Enjoy!

* * *

"Sam," Dean said opening the door, "What's up?"

"With what?" I said staring at the spot Cas was just standing at.

"The case," he said slowly, "Dude, what's up with you? You've been acting weird for days."

"Nothing," I said sighing, "I'm fine."

"Then what are you staring at?" he asked stepping in front of me, "You're really starting to freak me out man."

"Nothing Dean," I said looking up at him, "I'm fine."

"Sam," he said grabbing my arm, "You know I hate talking. If you need to talk though I'm here."

"Dean," I said staring at him.

"Come on Sam," he said throwing his hands up.

_Tell him Sam. He deserves to know._

"He'll hate me," I said out loud.

"Who will hate you?" Dean asked confused.

_You need he his help Sam. Tell him. He might not like it, but he will help._

"I can't tell Dean, Cas," I said shaking my head, "He'll hate me more then he already does."

"Sam," Dean said turning me around, "Castiel get your angel ass down here now."

I looked past Dean and to Cas when he appeared. My heart started to race at the sight of him. I hadn't felt this in a long time. The feeling of wanting to never look away from those eyes.

"Sam," Cas said staring at me, "Tell Dean."

"No," I said shaking my head, "You don't get it."

"I feel what you feel," he said calmly.

"And you don't understand," I said throwing my hands up.

"Someone tell me what the hell is going on," Dean said punching the wall.

Looking away I refused to open my mouth. Cas waited before snapping his fingers. Dean stared at me and gaped. I was confused until I looked down at myself and saw that my shirt was gone.

It seemed like my scars were standing out more then I had ever seen them. My eyes widened and I looked at Cas. He didn't look like he was happy about what he was doing, but that he had to.

Dean moved until he was right in front of me and grabbed my arm. I wanted to pull back and tell him that Cas was lying, but I couldn't. I couldn't tell him that this was all fake.

"How long?" Dean asked softly.

"I don't know," I said honestly, "Since I was ten or eleven."

Dean shook his head a few times, but didn't let go of my arm. His grip tightened around my wrist until I thought he would break it. Then he did something I didn't expect him to do.

He pulled me into a hug and held on tightly. His whole body was shaking. I knew that he wasn't crying so that only left anger. He was so angry at me about all of what he is seeing.

"Dean," I said slowly, "Please don't hate me."

"I don't hate you Sam," Dean said hitting my chest, "We need to talk about this though."

"I know," I said sighing.

"What I want to know first is what's up with Castiel knowing?" he said turning to Cas.

"I'm not just your 'Guardian Angel'," Cas said calmly, "I was Sam's first. Then I was taken off of his case. I just never really left."

"Oh," Dean said nodding, "I guess I owe you one then."

"Well, you sort of owe him two," I pointed out with a smile.

"Bitch," he said smirking, "Dude, put on a shirt."

"Jerk," I said grabbing a Hoodie from my bed.

"Now, want to tell me about those scars?" he said crossing his arms.

"Not really," I said shrugging.

"Sam," he said glaring.

"What Dean?" I said angrily, "What do you want me to tell you? That I thought I should die. That you and Dad would be better off without me. That every time you left I tried my hardest to just push the blade a little deeper. That when Dad yelled at me about not being good enough I believed every word. What do you want?"

"Shit," he said his eyes wide.

"Yeah," I said falling onto the bed, "Look, I'm sorry Dean. I know that it's wrong and that I'm stupid. I just think you'll be better without me."

"I wouldn't," he said sitting next to me, "You're my little brother man. No matter what. I know I don't say it, but I always thought you knew. That it was just there."

"What are you talking about Dude?" I asked confused.

"I love you," he said looking at me.

"I love you too De," I said smiling, "And I'm really sorry."

"We just need to figure this out," he said falling backwards, "Might take awhile."

"Yeah," I said rubbing the back of my head.

"Sam," Cas said reminding me he was there, "May I ask know?"

"No," I said my eyes wide.

"Ask what?" Dean asked confused.

"Nothing," I said hoping he couldn't hear the fear, "It's nothing at all. Cas I told you later."

"It is later," Cas said slowly.

"What's going on now?" Dean said wearily.

"I'm connected to Sam's feelings," Cas started to explain.

"Cas," I yelled jumping up, "We'll talk about it in a few days. Just not now. Drop it."

Cas looked at me before nodding his head and disappearing. I shouldn't have yelled at Cas, but if he told Dean. Dean would figure it out easily. That was another thing I hadn't told him.

I wasn't gay. At least not completely. I only liked one guy my whole life and it only started out as a dream because I never saw him. Damn Cas. I was so drawn to him even when I was younger.

How was I supposed to explain the feelings to him? That I had fallen for him all those years ago without even seeing him. It was weird, but with him I always felt safe and wanted. I never had to prove myself.

Now here Cas was. The only guy I ever had felt this for and he could feel what I felt. I guess I was lucky that he didn't know what the feelings meant. As long as I didn't act on them things would be fine.

"Want to explain that one?" Dean said breaking my thoughts.

"No," I said shaking my head, "Think you've had enough for one night."

"Sam," he said firmly.

"I thought Cas was just a voice in my head," I said looking out the window, "He was only around for three months when I was thirteen. But I…"

"You what?" he said moving next to me, "You like him?"

"Yeah," I said surprised, "How did you know?"

"I know you Man," he said smirking, "I saw it when you first saw him."

"He can feel it," I said shaking my head, "What the hell am I supposed to tell him? Oh that's just my big gay crush on you?"

"Why not?" he asked laughing.

"Dean," I said walking away.

"Sam," he said stopping me, "Tell me what you would tell Castiel if you could."

"Dude," I said rolling my eyes.

"Go," he said crossing his arms.

"I'd tell him," I said sighing, "That I fell for him a long time ago. That he's never left my mind since I was thirteen. That I wish I could get to know him. That I want to be with him. He's the only person I felt this too. I loved Jess. I really did. Just not this much Dean."

"Wow," Dean said staring at me.

"What?" I asked slowly.

"You really like him," he said smiling, "It's cute."

"Shut up," I said pushing him, "Jerk."

"Bitch," he said laughing, "Now sleep."

"Yeah," I said throwing the sheets down, "And thanks Dude."

"Anytime," he said smiling, "You might the annoying little brother, but you're my annoying little brother."

"Good to know," I said climbing into bed.

"Night," he said turning out the light.

"Night," I said shutting my eyes.

I tried to fall asleep, but my head was spinning. Cas had filled my brain just like he used to. He consumed me until I thought I would scream his name. It was hard enough when he was just a voice in my head, but now he was here.

Before I was trying to put a face to the voice and I never could. I've seen him now. And I wanted to see more. So much more of him. He didn't understand though. He was an angel of course he didn't understand what I wanted to do to him.

I had to hide and bury these feelings before things got out of control. Once they were gone everything would work out better. I could hide them easily, I've been hiding emotions for years. Just have to prefect that now.


	4. Chapter 4

I own nothing. Wow, I'm starting hate myself for what I'm putting Sam through. Oh well, it will get better. Just not yet. Hehe. Enjoy!

* * *

_Good morning Sam._

"Hey Cas," I said drinking my coffee.

Dean looked up from the paper and gave me a confused look. Tapping the side of my head I rolled my eyes. Dean smirked and went back to reading the paper. He thought it was funny having Cas in my head whenever he wanted.

_What did you do with those pills?_

"They're still in the car," I said sighing, "If you don't remember they're prescribed to me."

_Then why hide them from Dean?_

"Because Dean likes to worry," I said smiling when Dean looked up again.

"What's prescribed to you?" Dean asked cocking an eyebrow.

"Some migraine meds," I said calmly, "I got them last year."

"Oh," he said nodding, "They're in the car?"

"Yeah," I said watching as he got up and walked out of the room.

It was going to take Dean awhile before he completely trusted me with everything, but I knew that he was just worried about me and this was how he reacted. He was so used to protecting me that he couldn't do anything else when it came to me.

Not that I was complaining. I loved having Dean be overprotective whether I acted like it or not. Just made me think that he actually cared about me. Yeah it sounded needy, but oh well.

Now he knew more about me then I ever wanted him to know and everything was bad. He didn't know how to react to everything so he was going a little overboard with his protectiveness.

"These are mild sedatives," Dean said throwing the pills at me.

"I know," I said catching them.

"They're that bad?" he said slowly, "The migraines."

"Nothing else works," I said shrugging, "They stopped working before I went to college."

"How much more are you hiding?" he said throwing my bag on the ground, "If I go through that what else will I find?"

"Go through it," I said knowing I couldn't say what was in there.

Dean stared at me before grabbing the bag and dumping it on the bed. My clothes and a notebook fell out of it. The notebook was old and falling apart. He grabbed the notebook and flipped through a few pages.

"They're letters," I said standing up, "Some to you and some to Dad."

Stopping at one of the letters Dean started to read before throwing the notebook across the room. He was angry, but it wasn't just that. He was so worried about everything he was seeing.

"There are some drawings too," I said sighing.

"I saw," Dean said through gritted teeth.

"Dean," I said moving closer to him.

"How the hell did I not see?" he said to himself, "I should have seen that you were doing this, but I didn't."

"You caught me once," I said looking away, "When I was twelve you saw a cut on my wrist. You freaked out until I told you that it happened when I was practicing with my knife."

"Yeah," he said glaring at the floor, "Don't ever think of hiding something like this from me again Sam. And don't ever think I would be better off without you. You're my little brother Sammy. My family."

"I know," I said looking at him, "I'm sorry Dean. I didn't mean to let things get out of control."

"Just one question," he said staring into my eyes, "Did you ever try to kill yourself?"

"Yes," I said honestly, "A few times."

"When was the last time?" he asked sighing.

"Yesterday," I said biting the inside of my cheek.

"Damn it," he yelled grabbing me, "Don't ever do something that stupid again Sam. Okay? I need you here. I need my little brother here with me. Okay?"

"Okay," I said nodding quickly, "I'm sorry Dean."

"I know," he said hugging me tightly, "Everything will be fine. We'll figure this out. Together. Like always."

"Yeah," I said smiling.

"I'm going to get lunch, alright," he said pulling away, "Don't think of Cas while I'm gone."

"Jerk," I said punching his arm.

"Bitch," he said laughing, "And seriously, what are you going to do about that?"

"I don't know," I said shrugging, "Hopefully I won't have to say anything."

Dean nodded and grabbed his jacket before leaving. I sighed and laid down on the bed. Closing my eyes I let my mind wonder knowing I couldn't stop the thoughts just yet. I wanted to have them for a little while longer.

My breathing started to pick up as I thought deeper about what I wanted to do with Cas. I could feel my pants getting tighter while I moved my hands towards my zipper.

"Sam," Cas said surprising me.

"Cas," I said blushing, "What are you doing here?"

"You wanted me here," he said confused, "Didn't you?"

I stared at Cas I tried to breathe and forget everything that I was feeling. Crossing my legs I hoped that Cas couldn't see what was going on. He would ask too many questions if he did.

"Sam," he said walking closer to me, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said taking a few deep breaths.

"Then what are you feeling?" he asked confused.

"Nothing," I said quickly.

"Tell me," he said touching my hand.

"Cas," I said before pushing him away.

Going to the window I lend on it trying not to freak out. He was so close to me. I could do everything to him. He wouldn't understand it though. He had no clue what any of this meant.

"Sam," Dean said opening the door, "What's up?"

Turning around I saw that Cas had left. Dean was placing the food on the table and starting at me. I started to shake my head and fell back on my bed. I didn't know if I could face Dean right now.

Rolling over so I was on my stomach I pulled the blanket over me and waited. Dean would start asking questions soon and I just wanted to think about nothing for a moment.

I was never able to completely clear my mind, but doing this was the thing that came the closest. Hiding under a blanket and just listening as Dean moved around the room was always calming.

It was like being alone, but knowing that once I pulled the blanket away I wouldn't be alone. I don't know what I would do if I was alone. I doubted that I could handle it.

"What happened?" Dean said throwing the blanket off me.

"Cas," I said sighing.

"Explain," he said handing me a soda.

Sighing I filled Dean in on what happened while he was gone. I could tell that he wanted to laugh at some of the things I was saying. I was embarrassed by all that I was saying, but I thought maybe he could help.

"Dude," Dean said laughing, "That's hilarious."

"Not really," I said sighing, "Just tell me what to do."

"I told you that you should just tell him," he said shrugging.

"Yeah," I said nodding, "Because he's felt anything like that before. He's an angel Dean. He doesn't get feelings."

"Then help him get them," he said calmly, "Seriously, maybe it's exactly what you need."

"Dude," I said rolling my eyes, "Fine. I'll talk to him."

"Good," he said smiling, "Now, eat. And we're going to find a place to relax for awhile."

"What?" I asked confused.

"I've been thinking," he said grabbing a sandwich from the bag, "After what's happened the last few days. I think we could use some rest. Some time to figure everything out."

"Are you sure, Dean?" I said sitting up, "It could take awhile."

"I know," he said slowly, "But this is more important."

"Thanks man," I said happily.

"Yeah," he said throwing me a sandwich, "Eat up. We need to find a place."

"Okay," I said biting the sandwich.

I ate the sandwich in relative quiet before going to the bathroom to take a shower. Maybe having a nice cold shower will help me figure this whole Cas thing out before I went insane.

"I love you Cas," I said to myself, "I love you so much. I always have. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. You will never understand what is going on. And I don't want to scare you away. What am I supposed to do? I doubt I'll be able to hide this from you for long. I don't want to hide this from you. I know that it will be better if you didn't know. I'm sorry Cas. I can't tell you this though. Not this time."


	5. Chapter 5

I own nothing. Last chapter! Enjoy!

* * *

_Will you ever tell me what's going on Sam?_

**Please Cas. You wouldn't understand.**

_Try me._

Dean and I were in the Impala driving to a new town. This morning he decided that it would be better if we went to a new town. We had packed up early and had been driving for a few hours so far.

For awhile Cas had been trying to get me to talk to him. I had never kept something from Cas before. I never had a reason. Everything was messed up now. I couldn't do anything.

What kind of person would I be if I told Cas what I felt? No, I just had to forget about it. Things will be better once I do. At least I hoped everything would be better once I did.

_Sam, you can't ignore me forever. Tell me what's going on._

"Dean," I said softly, "Can we stop?"

"Sure," Dean said eyeing me.

"Just need a moment," I said sighing.

Dean pulled the Impala to the side of the side of the road and nodded to me. I smiled softly and got out of the car. Walking away from the car I made sure I was far enough away so Dean couldn't hear me.

"Cas," I said putting my hands in my pocket.

"What is it?" Cas asked appearing in front of me.

"Look," I said sighing, "I know that you're not used to me not telling you things, but I can't. Not this time."

"Why not?" he asked confused, "What's so bad with telling me what's going on?"

"It's not easy," I said shrugging, "It's not something I can just tell you. Especially since you've never felt it before."

"You can explain it Sam," he said calmly, "I can learn."

"Cas," I said sadly.

"He likes you Cas," Dean said walking closer to us.

I turned around and gapped at Dean. I couldn't believe that he was doing something like this. He thought he knew what was best for me though. Just like he always did.

"Dean," I said staring at him.

"He needs to know Sam," Dean said shrugging, "And you won't tell him. After what happened last night. I decided that I would tell him."

"It wasn't your choice," I said shaking my head.

"If it's hurting you and you won't do anything about it, you bet it's my choice," he said seriously, "Sam likes you Castiel. A lot."

"I don't understand," Cas said looking at me, "Why would you not tell me that?"

Shaking my head I moved closer to Cas and blushed. Cas looked up at me confused but stepped closer to me. I rested my hand on his face and locked my eyes with his.

"Dean told me about personal space," Cas said in a whisper, "Aren't I in your personal space?"

"That's the thing about liking someone," I said taking a deep breathe, "They want you in their personal space."

"Oh," he said blinking, "What else do they want?"

"They want to make you happy," I said slowly, "They want you."

"And what do you feel when you like someone?" he said touching my arm.

Closing my eyes I focused on the feelings that explained it perfectly. Happiness, lust, love, and want filled me. This time I could practically feel the feeling pulsing between the two of us.

Cas's eyes widened before they closed and his body pressed tighter against mine. Taking a few deep breathes I slowly placed my arms around his waist and pulled him so there was no space left between us.

"So, that's what they mean," Cas said against my neck.

"What?" I said pulling back.

"Those feelings," he said staring into my eyes, "I've felt them before. When you were younger. I didn't know what they meant, but I felt them myself."

"You did?" I said surprised.

"Yes," he said nodding, "I didn't know what they meant or what to do about them."

"Oh," I said looking down.

Cas moved my head so I was staring into his eyes before kissing me. I gasped into the kiss and pulled away for a moment before kissing him again. I tried to push all that I was into that one kiss.

I needed him to know how much he meant to me. After so many years he still meant the same things. Happiness, safety, hope, love, and so many others that I didn't know what to even call them.

The kiss soon started to get desperate. Cas had been holding these feelings back just as much as I was. And this was the first time he was with someone. All of these was so new and he was so eager to learn.

Pressing a hand to Cas's back I pressed him to me and started to move my hips. Cas let out a surprised moan. I remembered when I was first with someone. Everything felt like it was on fire.

I felt just how happy and affected Cas was pressing against my hip. And Cas seemed to notice too because he pulled away and looked down confused. When he looked back up he looked so lost and helpless.

"Sam," Cas said slowly.

"Shh," I said softly, "I can help with that. You just have to trust me."

Cas stared at me for a moment before nodding his head. Smiling happily I grabbed Cas's hand and started to drag him to the Impala. I looked around for Dean, but it looked like he already left for the car.

When we got to the Impala Dean was sitting on the hood with Led Zeppelin. As we walked up Dean looked over at me and grinned his famous I told you so grin. I just smiled widely and got in the backseat with Cas.

"I'm going to get some pizza after I drop you two off," Dean said calmly, "Well, after I go to the bar. I should be gone at least two hours."

"Okay," I said nodding, "Thanks."

"No worries," he said laughing, "Just remember. We'll still looking for a place to stay."

"We'll look later," I said while he pulled into a hotel.

"Here," he said handing me some money.

"Thanks," I said getting out of the car with Cas, "See you in two hours."

"I'll call," he said looking at Cas and laughing again.

Looking at Cas I smiled fondly when I saw that he was staring at me and smiling softly. I took his hand and led him into the office to pay for our room. The clerk looked at us weirdly before shrugging and getting us a room farthest away from the office.

I took the key from him and started to walk away with Cas. Cas still had a confused look on his face, but I could tell that he wanted this as much as me. Maybe not the whole sex thing.

I didn't know if I could do that with him yet. He had so much to learn still and I didn't want to push him. No, we weren't going to do anything like that today. That didn't mean we weren't going to do anything.

"Cas," I said locking the door behind us.

"Sam," Cas said staring at me.

"We aren't going to do everything," I said slowly, "It's too soon for that. I just need you to know how much I care about you."

"I do know," he said softly, "I can feel it and I can see it."

"See it?" I asked confused.

"Your eyes Sam," he said brushing my bangs from my face, "They're very telling. And now I know what I'm looking for. I can see how much you care."

"Cas," I said kissing him fully, "I love you."

"I love you too," he said smiling.

Laughing I sat on the bed and patted the spot next to me. Cas gently sat next to me. Making him face me I kissed him again. The kiss was innocent at first until I decided to lay Cas on the bed and straddle his waist.

I was being serious when I said that we weren't going to do anything major yet. We laid on the bed and made-out until my phone went off telling me that Dean was coming to get us soon.

I pulled away fully but stopped when Cas grabbed my arm. Looking down at him I waited for him to say something, but he simple rested his head on my chest and let out a content sigh.

Wrapping my arms around his waist I kissed his forehead and waited for the Dean to honk the Impala horn. I was glad that Cas wanted to just lay here for awhile. I really didn't want to let him go.

When I heard the Impala honking I sighed and let Cas get up. He kissed my lips softly before staring at me for awhile. I looked at him confused and waited for him to say something.

"I need to leave," Cas said sadly, "I still need to work."

Nodding my head I watched as Cas disappeared before walking to the Impala. Dean looked confused at first, but he must have figured it out because he didn't ask me anything.

_This isn't good-bye. I love you too much for that. I will see you soon Sam._


	6. Chapter 6

Hello! Ready for a sequel? Well, here it comes! Be for warned…Bobby will be there and it will explain how Sam got started doing everything. Read 'Faces'.


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